Coparenting comes with unique challenges for each family. You are now dividing your time with your children between households, and we see families worried about whether their co-parent is using the same parenting methods you would choose for your own household. The simple truth is that you cannot control what happens in your co-parent’s household, and you will not always agree with their parenting styles or values. However, it’s important to maintain healthy, consistent communication with your co-parent to ensure that your child’s needs are being met, regardless of the difference in parenting styles.
Communication breakdowns between co-parents are often one of the leadings causes of future litigation. Parents feel as though their co-parent is refusing to cooperate with them, and sometimes co-parents begin to communicate through their children, failing to see the negative impact this has. It’s important to try to maintain open lines of communication, focusing on the child’s needs rather than personal resentment or grievances.
Of course, effective communication is difficult to master in any relationship, especially in co-parent relationships that have a history of high conflict. One valuable tool for co-parenting communication is the BIFF method. The BIFF method was created by Bill Eddy, a lawyer, therapist, and mediator. Bill Eddy designed the BIFF method to help individuals communicate in challenging and conflict-prone situations, and he has authored several books on this topic to help people improve their communication skills.
The BIFF method is broken down into four principals:
Brief: Keep your responses concise and to the point, avoiding any unnecessary details or lengthy explanations or justifications. A brief response helps prevent misunderstandings and keeps the focus on the issue at hand.
Informative: Provide relevant information that addresses the core issues or questions raised by the other co-parent. Offer facts, not emotions.
Friendly: Maintain a respectful and amicable tone, even when discussing difficult topics or disagreements. Even in the face of disagreement or frustration, being courteous and polite can de-escalate tension and promote a more positive conversation.
Firm: Express your position or boundaries clearly and assertively while remaining respectful. Being firm does not mean being aggressive, but rather standing your ground with confidence and clarity.
Applying the BIFF method when conflict occurs may help prevent future miscommunications. Disagreements are inevitable, but they don’t have to derail co-parenting altogether. To begin using the BIFF method, pause before responding if you perceive a conflict or disagreement. This allows you to gather your thoughts and emotions before responding. When you do respond, start with a brief acknowledgement of the issue to ensure your co-parent feels as though you understand the issue. Then provide informative details to address it, focusing only on the facts. Maintain a friendly tone and conclude your response with a firm but respectful statement if necessary. Avoid personal attacks or emotional responses. Try to stay solution-oriented, offering or requesting solutions that may help resolve the issue. Before sending your response, take a moment to review it and ensure that you have used the BIFF principals.
In addition to the BIFF method, there are other resources available to co-parents that can help maintain respectful communication. For example, some parenting apps contain tools that review the tone of your message. If your message contains aggressive language, the app will notify you prior to sending the message to your co-parent.
Parenting Plans can also provide important guidelines for respectful communication. Especially in high-conflict co-parenting relationships, your parenting plan should include details about how the parents will communicate, when to expect a response, and how to address communication that becomes aggressive.
Ultimately, co-parenting requires effective communication. There are several resources available to families that help ensure communication remains child-centered and solution-focused. If you need help developing a Parenting Plan that employs communication safeguards, contact Barnhill Family Law, P.C., L.L.O. to discuss your options.