Throughout the years I’ve felt drawn to assisting and providing support to individuals who are facing domestic abuse in their homes. I am passionate about ensuring that these individuals and their children find a healthy, safe way out of dangerous situations. Abuse takes many forms, including violence, financial abuse, and emotional abuse, though the subtleties are sometimes difficult to pinpoint.
However, one of the hot-button words I hear very often in family law is “narcissist.” Narcissistic behavior often involves an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a constant need for admiration. They prioritize their needs over others’ and tend to manipulate situations to maintain control or gain admiration. This word can be misleading, as many individuals tend to think that it’s synonymous with “abuser.” I’ve learned that narcissism often falls on a scale. On one end of the scale, an individual may show some narcissistic tendencies and have difficulty prioritizing others. On the other end, a narcissist’s behavior can result in emotional abuse, using any tactic they can to manipulate their spouse or coparent. While a narcissist can also be abusive, narcissism is a personality trait. Contributing all abusive behaviors to this trait or to a narcissistic personality disorder suggests that the abusive behavior can’t be helped or stopped, which is a detrimental message to send victims of true domestic abuse.
So, how does narcissism impact family law and custody matters? Certainly, narcissism can create significant challenges for coparenting relationships, making the situation exceedingly complex and emotionally draining. Their behavior can range from subtle manipulation to outright aggression, causing emotional distress and turmoil within coparenting relationships. These traits make it crucial to understand how to navigate this relationship for the wellbeing of the children.
Narcissistic individuals thrive on control and may use tactics like gaslighting, manipulation, or creating conflict to maintain control within the coparenting relationship. This can lead to constant disagreements and disputes, making coparenting a battlefield rather than a cooperative endeavor. They may also have an impact on the emotions of their children as they might fail to consider the emotional needs of their child, instead focusing on their own perspective and needs. Narcissists may also exhibit unpredictable behavior, making it challenging to establish consistency and stability in the children’s routine between homes. Despite these challenges, there are several strategies available to the other parent to try to achieve a successful coparenting relationship:
1. Set Clear Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries is crucial when coparenting with a narcissist. Define communication methods, schedules, and responsibilities explicitly in a parenting plan. Your parenting plan can include very specific protocols for communication, including the method of communication (text, parenting app, phone calls), the type of communication (excluding demeaning language), and protocols for ceasing communication when the conversation gets too heated. Practice the Biff Method in your communication with your coparent (see “Effective Co-Parenting: The BIFF Method” by Barnhill Family Law https://barnhillfamilylaw.com/blog/f/effective-co-parenting-the-biff-method ). Stick to these boundaries firmly and consistently.
2. Focus on the Children: Keep the children as the central focus. While it can be difficult, try to maintain a child-centric approach in decision making. Always prioritize their wellbeing and emotional stability, and explain your reasons for why a certain decision may be in the child’s best interest.
3. Practice Emotional Detachment: Learning to detach emotionally from the narcissistic behaviors of the coparent can be challenging but necessary. Try not to react emotionally to provocations and instead maintain a composed and collected demeanor. If your coparent tries to tempt you into reacting emotionally, take a moment to think through whether your response is emotional or factual. If all else fails, use a tool like ChatGPT or your favorite similar website to help you make sure your communication is “business-like.”
4. Utilize Mediation or Therapy: If you and your coparent cannot come to an agreement on certain issues, engage the help of a mediator or therapist experienced in dealing with high-conflict coparenting situations. They can provide guidance and help facilitate more productive communication. You can also try options like family therapy or coparent counseling with the hopes that your coparent will learn to better understand you and your children’s underlying needs and emotions.
5. Self Care: Take care of your own mental and emotional wellbeing. Practice self care techniques such as mindfulness, therapy, and spending time with supportive friends and family to navigate the stress of coparenting with a narcissist.
Coparenting with a narcissist presents significant challenges that require patience, resilience, and a strategic approach. It is possible to navigate this complex dynamic in a way that minimizes the negative impact on both the children and the other parent. Barnhill Family Law understands the difficulties involved in relationships with a narcissist, and strives to provide solutions for clients that will minimize the manipulation and restore a more balanced power-dynamic. Remember, while it may be difficult, your efforts to create a stable and nurturing environment for your children are invaluable for their wellbeing in the long run.